mmmy nama gold (or tank) as i said
I use he/him (normal capitalization), He/Him, or HE/HIM pronouns. cuz im cool like that. also im gay as fuck and very autism, maybe you can tell. i fancy myself a Funny Man
i am from the united states america in washington state (not DC). no it does not rain year round here but sometimes i wish it did because it gets really smokey in summer nowadays and it scares me and i want the rain to wash it away
i like history and science and sci fi and making art. i do my little projects which i often end up dropping or at least make very very very very slow progress on because adhd is a bitch. the world is my oyster, and i am a little heistant to eat it because idk if i like oysters yet
on every level except physical i am not a human being (genuine) i am a shapeshifter (not a physical shifter!!! thats impossible. just a shapeshifter on an identity level) who is currently often a bald eagle but sometimes everything else too. below i wrote more about how that feels and thus why i came to that conclusion. my mortal unchanging flesh is simply a nerf from the universe itself
Plurality and headmates
Ive got some guys in my head. personally i do not find it disabling. They are my friends and I think of them as something like (but not in the same exact way) family. We do not appreciate insinuations that we are not real people in our own right and we do not appreciate people trying to thrust labels or tell us what we should think of ourselves. Our experience of ourselves is something only we can know.
We are quite median and blur a lot but there are many moments in which we are all separate people. Generally we work together to front but I also often am doing it alone. My headmates are not human and in case you are wondering yes, this does impact my otherkin identity.
More personalized information will be added soon. in the meantime a link to our pronouns.cc page, which we use for plural things, can be found here
(burrrrp) here are some links to where i am elsewhere
My alterhumanity
I want to talk a little bit about my nonhuman experiences. I am a shapeshifter. You may want to know what that means. Or well, what it means to me. And I want to talk about it because I feel like my experience may be able to help others feel less lonely, because yeah, a lot of alterhuman spaces online are really gatekeepy and might call you fake for deviation from the norm--kind of ridiculous for a place that already deviates from the norm so hard. But oh well.
I cannot claim to know if I have been experiencing animalistic/nonhuman tendencies or feelings since I was an eaglet. This is not something I can remember, and personally, I believe it's wholly irrelevant. Identity changes. Feelings change. All I know is that I have often wished to be something else, to be something other than human, I have a kind of connection with certain animals and objects that appears to be rare, and I tend to have a mental image of myself as an animal or a machine, in a non-derogatory way (in fact it is often a euphoric sort of way, or at least it helps me deal with what's happening to me at the moment). Is it just autism? Special interests? Coping mechanism? Maybe. But this is how I contextualize and understand my existence because it makes me more comfortable in it.
Often I feel as if I should be changing. I feel parts like long spikes down my spine when I'm upset, I feel my whole body change occasionally, sometimes when I look at animals I feel like I am becoming them. It feels awkward, often sad, when this does not happen. They are not delusions. They do not cause me any kind of harm or dysfunction, and I do not feel as though it's REALLY happening. I understand they are not real and that it is impossible, for more reasons than my body itself. It does ache that that is true, but I cannot deny that it is.
Occasionally when I dream I am a raptorial bird, often a bald eagle. Often I am a little sad that I am, but not because I am, only because society in some way rejects me for my different form. Often I struggle to keep in touch with my family and friends in those dreams. Often I struggle to fly as well, I am either slungshot across the sky or struggle to get off the ground and stay up. I hope one day I can speak to the world freely about this part of myself, and maybe these dreams will change.
Occasionally in my dreams I am something else entirely. A monster, a wolf (were or not), once I was even a formless space entity, once plants burst out of my human body and they tied together and I became a powerful entity in the shape of a bird. Maybe I assign too much importance to these dreams. This is possible, to be honest I am often a believer that dreams are just You Mush cooked by your brain with ingredients from everything you've ever heard or seen or thought. But there is also always some aspect of the real in a dream. And since it is specifically You Mush, with ingredients from your life alone, everything must have something to do with your life, whether that's in a silly way or a profound way. Often probably both.
I feel a strange sort of powerful kinship connection to most animals and large military weaponry (tanks, planes, warships, even nuclear weapons). The animals may make sense to you. But the objects may appear unexplainable. I want to be clear--I do not believe that objects are alive or have "souls" (frankly on a religious level I don't think any living thing has a soul either). I am not an animist on any religious level. But when I look at say, a plane, I cannot deny how much it feels like it should be alive. I cannot deny having feelings of empathy towards machines. I cannot deny feeling like on some level that I am that, in whatever way that means. I'm not even sure to be honest. How can a living thing feel as if they are something that is not alive, that has no identifiable traits except for what it looks like and does (these objects being ones which the human form markedly does not look like and cannot do)? I do not know. It just is. I feel a sense of sorrow when I think of a nuke exploding. And yes, the life lost is part of it. It will never not be part of it. But I also feel a sense of sorrow because of the tragedy of an object that cannot know its deadly power being utilized in service of people and things it can never know or care about. I feel the same about many other military machines being used for what they were built for. Does that sound ridiculous? Yeah. Is it a feeling I can help? I don't think so.
I hope that somewhere someone out there is helped by my rambling here lol. I might add more in the future.